The Story You Need to Let Go

Why outdated beliefs about yourself may be holding you back more than any external obstacle

For years I sat through meetings in silence. I usually understood what was being discussed and often had ideas to contribute, but I stayed silent as a longstanding story played over in my head; You’re the least experienced person in the room. Keep listening. Someone smarter will come up with the answer.

Initially, there was some truth to that. I was young, relatively inexperienced, and surrounded by people who had far more experience than myself. The problem was that I kept telling myself that story long after it had stopped being true.

Years passed and I gained experience while advancing into more senior roles. No longer was I the new guy with nothing to say, but whenever I walked into a room full of senior executives, that old story would surface.

Don’t embarrass yourself. Just listen.

I’d think of an idea, run it through my head, then decide someone else probably had a better one, only to see that same idea raised a few minutes later and receive enthusiastic agreement from the room. I would sit there thinking, That’s exactly what I was going to say.

Eventually, I realised I’d grown professionally, but the story I told myself repeatedly, hadn’t kept pace with that growth.

I suspect most of us do this in one way or another. Human beings are remarkably loyal to the stories they tell themselves. Once a self-narrative becomes part of our identity, it can be difficult to let go of, even when the evidence no longer supports it. Over time, those stories stop feeling like beliefs and start feeling like facts.

Someone who lacked confidence as a teenager may still think of themselves as insecure at forty. Someone who failed in business years ago may continue to see themselves as a poor decision-maker, despite years of good judgement and success.

The longer a story survives, the harder it becomes to notice. Eventually, it becomes the lens through which we interpret ourselves and the world around us. The trouble is that we often grow faster than our self-image. While skills improve and experience accumulates, we continue judging ourselves using information that is years, sometimes decades, out of date.

The cost of an outdated self-story isn’t always significant, but it can narrow what’s possible. The story becomes the reason we don’t apply for a role, share an idea or put our hand up for the opportunity. These stories often encourage caution when confidence would be more appropriate.

Meanwhile, everyone else sees the current version of us while we’re still operating from an older one.

This is where unlearning becomes important. Not because we should ignore weaknesses or convince ourselves we’re capable of anything, but because some beliefs eventually outlive their usefulness.

Most limiting beliefs begin as reasonable observations. At one point, you genuinely may have lacked confidence, skills or experience, but the mistake is assuming those observations became permanent truths.

A question I’ve found useful is: Is this belief describing who I am today, or who I was years ago?

It’s a simple question, but it can reveal just how much of our thinking is based on outdated information.

Psychologist Carol Dweck built much of her work around the concept of a growth mindset. At its core is the idea that people can learn, improve and develop through effort, practice and experience. That idea challenges one of the assumptions hidden inside many limiting self-narratives; that personal qualities are fixed.

A related concept comes from Albert Bandura whose research showed that people are more likely to take action when they believe they can succeed. In other words, belief influences behaviour before results appear. The stories we tell ourselves shape what we’re willing to attempt.

Updating an old narrative doesn’t require significant reinvention. It usually starts by identifying a belief you’ve carried for a long time. Not a preference or personality trait, but a statement about capability. Maybe it’s, I’m not strategic, I’m not confident or, I’m not good at difficult conversations.

Once you’ve identified the outdated belief, look for current evidence rather than historical evidence. Reflect on recent experiences or ask a trusted colleague for feedback. Many people are carrying stories about themselves that nobody else believes anymore and identifying contrary evidence is a key step in shedding those outdated stories.

The final step is action, to create new evidence and start shaping an updated and valid story. Speak up in the meeting. Volunteer for the project. Have the difficult conversation. Put your hand up for the opportunity. Every time you step outside of the outdated story provides evidence it no longer applies.

We often think growth is about adding something, like skills, knowledge and more experience. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s about letting something go.

Perhaps the hardest person to unlearn is yourself.

And perhaps your next stage of growth doesn’t begin with learning something new. Perhaps it begins with recognising that one of the stories you’ve been carrying around is no longer true.