This was a good read, Ash - I'm sure I've been Dave at certain points. The real key mechanism here is our perception. How ACTUALLY open are we - how loosely do we hold our identity and therefore be neutral and willing to take feedback that actually counters our self-view and the opinions we have on our worth/value and our work... Because if we don't stay open, we won't hear the feedback, we'll hear criticism, and that'll encourage us to defend and to grip our point of view more rigidly...
It's one thing to ask for - and then get - feedback, it's another thing entirely to take it onboard, do something with it, and then show up differently as a byproduct. I think that, as a leader, that's of utmost importance, because then teams are modelled a brilliant example. I always reminded my team that I was never 'further ahead' of them, and that I too was imperfect and made mistakes, and always learning and growing as a byproduct. But I do wonder how often I said I was open to feedback, received it, and then carried on the same way anyways.
Not in a dramatic way. In exactly the way you describe. There have been moments where I genuinely believed I was creating space for feedback. I asked, I listened, I nodded. And looking back at those moments, I can see that what I was really doing was waiting to hear that I was on the right track. When the feedback confirmed my direction, it landed. When it didn't, I'd find a way to explain it away or contextualise it until it no longer required me to change anything.
The hardest part of reading this is recognising that it didn't feel like resistance from the inside. It felt like thoroughness.
The question you close with is the right one, not how often you ask, but what actually changed because of what you heard. That's a much more honest measure and one I try to hold myself to, even when the answer is uncomfortable.
Really considered piece. Thank you for writing it.
Thanks Tash, appreciate your words and indeed your honesty. Like you, I have often fallen into the trap of thinking that asking for feedback adnaseum is akin to actually being open to it. The two are often discrete and the former does not guarantee the latter. The irony lay in the fact that this manager I refer to was a genuine guy who was likeable, empathetic and kind. The problem was he was seeking regular positive reinforcement rather than feedback and he had no intention of changing course. Always great to here your considered perspective.
This was a good read, Ash - I'm sure I've been Dave at certain points. The real key mechanism here is our perception. How ACTUALLY open are we - how loosely do we hold our identity and therefore be neutral and willing to take feedback that actually counters our self-view and the opinions we have on our worth/value and our work... Because if we don't stay open, we won't hear the feedback, we'll hear criticism, and that'll encourage us to defend and to grip our point of view more rigidly...
It's one thing to ask for - and then get - feedback, it's another thing entirely to take it onboard, do something with it, and then show up differently as a byproduct. I think that, as a leader, that's of utmost importance, because then teams are modelled a brilliant example. I always reminded my team that I was never 'further ahead' of them, and that I too was imperfect and made mistakes, and always learning and growing as a byproduct. But I do wonder how often I said I was open to feedback, received it, and then carried on the same way anyways.
A useful reminder!
Bryn, this is a great reflection, especially the point about perception and how tightly we hold our identity when feedback challenges it.
That line between hearing feedback and actually changing behaviour is where it really counts.
I think most of us have had those moments you described more than we’d like to admit.
Really appreciate you taking the time to read and share such a thoughtful perspective.
This one sat with me Ash, because I've been Dave!
Not in a dramatic way. In exactly the way you describe. There have been moments where I genuinely believed I was creating space for feedback. I asked, I listened, I nodded. And looking back at those moments, I can see that what I was really doing was waiting to hear that I was on the right track. When the feedback confirmed my direction, it landed. When it didn't, I'd find a way to explain it away or contextualise it until it no longer required me to change anything.
The hardest part of reading this is recognising that it didn't feel like resistance from the inside. It felt like thoroughness.
The question you close with is the right one, not how often you ask, but what actually changed because of what you heard. That's a much more honest measure and one I try to hold myself to, even when the answer is uncomfortable.
Really considered piece. Thank you for writing it.
Thanks Tash, appreciate your words and indeed your honesty. Like you, I have often fallen into the trap of thinking that asking for feedback adnaseum is akin to actually being open to it. The two are often discrete and the former does not guarantee the latter. The irony lay in the fact that this manager I refer to was a genuine guy who was likeable, empathetic and kind. The problem was he was seeking regular positive reinforcement rather than feedback and he had no intention of changing course. Always great to here your considered perspective.